Photo of the day: “And once I told everybody on the PA where they could shove it, I grabbed two beers and slid down the slide. See, I landed right over there, where those two empty beer cans are…”

Caption courtesy of Mike

Photo courtesy of (frequent flying) Ron Faubert

Travel tip #9: Create space saving magic

Dear Heather,

In reference to your post, 10 smart travel tips for women around the world, I have an issue with tip # 9, pack an amazing convertible dress like the American Apparel Cotton Jersey Bandeau Dress.  You did not just give American Apparel a shout out!  I don’t care if  the dress is ”space-saving magic” and only costs $43.  Did you SEE this dress?  I clicked on it because I couldn’t stop giggling,and then it turned into a full-fledged gut wrenching laugh.  It’s so Stars On Ice meets Little Appalachian Barbie, and they fought over the fabric.  Heather, if you have this dress, I am SO sorry.  Burn it.
Ron. 

 

Ron,

You’ll be happy to know I do not own that dress.  But I do love the idea of a convertible dress that’s easy to pack and can be worn more than one way.  Hey, whadayasay we design a line of clothes of our own!  We’ll call it Four-Four-Seven after the first three digits of my employee number.  Come on, Ron, let’s create truly beautiful space-saving magic together.  Only we’ll charge more.   

Heather

 

Dear Heather,

You have no idea how glad I am to hear that you do not own that dress.  I, too, like the idea of a convertible dress, just not that one, or one even similar to that one.  Heather, I think you’re in luck because before I became a medical professional I worked for Banana Republic as a merchant.  That’s how I ended up first in San Francisco.  So consider me in!  Only I thought we’d call the line Super-80.  You know how much I love my Super-80′s. 

Ron

 

Dear Ron,

I’m the boss.  You’re fired!  

 Heather

 

Dear Ron,

After much deliberation I’ve decided I need you.  You’re rehired.

Heather

 

Economy class nightmare

Dear Heather,

I’m a nurse.  So there I was, working a 16 hour shift (I get an hour off between the two eight-hour assignments), and I decided to nip off into the area where the residents take their naps.  I wasn’t asleep long and I began dreaming. I was asleep in the dream and woke up on a 777.  I looked around and started screaming.  I was sitting in the very last row of economy. I’ve never seen it back there, but it was just as awful as I imagined it would be.  Suddenly a very angry flight attendant came over and said, “WHAT”?  I looked up and it was YOU! I asked, “Where are we going?” You snapped, “JFK!”  I said,”Ok, phew! When do we land.”  You said, “twenty-seven hours”, and your voice got all slow and horror movie like and then you started to cackle like Vincent Price.  I began to scream again, trying to get my seat belt off, but my belt wouldn’t come off!  I asked if there was a seat in first class, that I just need to get up there.  You stopped laughing and, waving your finger at me, said, ”NO NO NO, twenty-seven hours till landing,” and then you started laughing again in that scary horror movie laugh.  When I jumped awake, there were two nurses staring at me.  Apparently I had screamed so loud they came in to see what was the matter. I tried to explain my dream, but they didn’t get it, nor did they understand what was so bad about sitting in economy.  I kept saying, twenty-seven hours guys!  Maybe you can understand?

Ron

P.S.  I hope the first time you’re on my flight, you’re a little nicer, jeez heather!

Dear Ron,

First of all, let’s get something straight.  I do not cackle.  Ever.  Secondly, thank you for including me in your worst nightmare.  You have no idea just how often this happens, whether I’m actually working the flight or not.  Thirdly, you will not find me on a twenty-seven hour flight to anywhere.  I fly domestic trips.  That means I never work a leg longer than six hours.  Also, I’m junior.  A junior flight attendant would not be able to hold a twenty-seven hour trip.  Unless of course it’s  a twenty-seven hour, three-day, on a super80 or 757 that hops from city to city.  That’s because we’re only paid for flying time, not ground time.   The time clock doesn’t officially start ticking until the aircraft door has been shut and the aircraft has backed away from the gate.  This is why the best trips, in airline world, are the long haul flights.  There’s little ground time involved so flight attendants get their hours in quickly.  There’s a reason the crew working to Paris looks like they may have trouble pushing the cart to the front of the cabin while the crew flying to Tulsa may seem as if they just graduated from flight attendant training.  As for being seated in the last row, Ron, I’m going to tell you what I tell passengers who roll their eyes and make negative comments the moment they notice exactly where their seat is.  Someone  has to sit there.  Why not you?   

Sincerely,

Heather

P.S. In your next dream, can you please put me in coach on the 767 , my favorite airplane, on a flight from New York to anywhere on the West Coast with a layover longer than ten hours at a hotel that is not near the airport.  If you can do that for me, Ron, we’ll work on moving you out of that crappy seat.

Photo courtesy of Caribb

Special requests, two cubes of ice & a man’s pair of pants

Dear Heather,

So the other day I was on a flight from Boston to San Francisco and I thought you might get a kick out of the following conversation that took place between the flight attendant working in first class and the passenger sitting beside me…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Miss did you get a chance to look at the menu?

PASSENGER: Unfortunately

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (Pauses. Smiles) Will you be dining with us tonight?

PASSENGER: I don’t like anything on the menu, I mean clam chowder and steak – gross and gross!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I’m sorry, but that is all I have tonight.

PASSENGER: I mean, all of us are from California. We don’t like CLAMS or STEAK! I want two portions of salad, the dessert fruit plate as my meal, with still water – not sparkling, and red wine – but not with my nuts, WITH my meal, and NO dessert!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (repeats the order) Got it!

PASSENGER: Wait, can I just have almonds? Oh forget it. I’ll pick out what I don’t want.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (smiles, glances at me) And what will you be having for dinner tonight, Sir?

ME: I’ll have the chowder, please.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (Big sigh, wink) Thank you!…. (walks away)

Just thought I’d share…

Sincerely,

Ron

(A.K.A. Frequent-flyin-two-timin Ron)

Dear Ron,

Boston – San Francisco? Oh no no no, Ron, you must be confused, because your flight sounds a lot like my flight, only I worked the New York – Seattle route last night. I mean that was you, wasn’t it, sitting behind the first class passenger who wanted “just a little bit” of ice with Diet Coke, the passenger who looked absolutely disgusted when I placed a drink on her tray table with – count em – one, two, three, four cubes swimming around inside the glass? This, of course, resulted in a request for a spoon, ya know, so that she could scoop out two cubes and then drop them into the palm of my hand.

Continue reading GALLEY GOSSIP: SPECIAL REQUESTS, TWO CUBES OF ICE & A MAN’S PAIR OF PANTS

Santa and the naughty flight attendant

Heather,

I boarded the Super80 (Chicago crew) and a very senior looking flight attendant in the galley shouts GOOD MORNING!  It was 12:30 pm.  I smiled and said hi. Shortly after I get settled in 3E I hear her shriek SANTA! I glance up and see a large older gentlemen dressed in normal clothes sporting a big white beard. The flight attendant pulls him into the galley and in a rather boisterous voice says, “I’ve been a good little girl …” I couldn’t believe my ears.  It gets better.  He chuckles and says “How good?”  I looked around to make sure I actually was on a flight heading to Chicago and not on the set of some sleazy senior soft core porn project.  After the lunch service was over, the flight attendant tops off my wine and asks if I need anything else.  I thank her and reply no.  GOOD, she shouts, I’m gonna go sit on Santa’s Lap! She then runs back to economy. I couldn’t believe it!  On my flight back to Boston, I got to thinking about Santa and the flight attendant and wondered if maybe they were meant to be.  Maybe it was another “love on an airplane story” like yours? 

Ron

Ron,

While I did meet my husband on an airplane, I am not crazy!  I am also not attracted to Santa.  Nor have I ever thrown myself at a bearded man in the galley.  But thank you for thinking of me when you came across the insanity in flight.  Preciate that!  Really. 

Heather

No he di’int pick free GoGo wireless over bin space!

Dear Heather,

 

Quick little story….So I was on dash in Chicago the other day, running from Super to Spectacular 80 when I was stopped by a tall handsome stranger wearing all GREEN! Truth be told, he was only wearing a green polo, but it was neon green, and well, that was as far as my eyes would go! I was briefly annoyed.  I was in a hurry! My seat was 3F and I NEEDED that bin space!!! However, once I heard his British accent, bin space was the last thing on my mind. The handsome stranger worked for GOGO and he was about to make my holiday season a whole lot merrier! Not only did I end up with his number, I’ll be connecting on all my flights for free well into the New Year!

Happy Holidays!

Ron

 

Dear Ron,

Wow, I am truly shocked that a British accent beat out bin space!  I mean we’re talking a Super80 here.  We both know there’s not enough space inside the first class bins for all those rollaboards and hanging garment bags that no longer hang due to broken hangers, not when the cabin is full and the very first bin doesn’t even really count.  It’s a little shorter than the others.  You did notice that, right?   Seriously, I don’t care how hot GoGo guy may have been or how sexy he may have sounded whispering free GoGo codes in your ear or whether or not you’re able to get free GoGo well into the New Year, we’re talking bin space here! Not to mention, the guy wore green – NEON GREEN!  That’s almost worse than blue – polyester blue.  You sure you’re feeling alright, Ron? 

Heather

PS.  You will be sharing that code, right? 

 

He was the best stewardess ever!

Dear Heather,

Ok I have to dig up the pics, but in 2004 I was a flight attendant for Halloween.  I was living in San Francisco at the time.  I wore a platinum blonde wig and a tight fitting one piece dress that was a real flight attendant dress from the 70s that I found in Berkeley at some thrift store.  My name was Candy.  I had a seatbelt extension, a demo O2 mask, and a safety card, and since we were having a party at our house, I pushed around a little cart type thing and made drinks for people…it was a lot of work, I tell ya! I even had ballet slippers for my galley shoes! I was the best flight attendant ever!

Ron

Dear Ron,

I can tell by the last line in your email that you really were the best flight attendant ever.  Deep down inside, Ron, I think you truly are a flight attendant.  I really do.  Because only a real flight attendant would slip her barking dogs into a pair of comfy in flight shoes while working the cart.  Speaking of those pink ballet slippers of yours, how dare you write me an email and go into such great detail about this fabulous costume without including a photo!  Seriously, what’s that all about?  Oh and do they make the slippes in blue?  

Heather 

PS  I’m waiting….

(Photo courtesy of Mag3737  )

Flight attendant offered it all…and then some

Heather….
I am writing from 39K feet, glass of wine in hand.  I am SO in my element! LOL…I wish you were working this flight, the purser is uber gay, and has offered everything, including himself ( literally) So get this, the oven door is stuck shut, so we can’t have cookies! These Md80s are getting old! First has 11 empty seats, It’s like a ghost town up here, but leaves me plenty of opportunity to galley ‘Hang”

Ron
p.s. this is my reconciliation flight

Dear (two-timin) Ron,

Glad to see you’re trying to work things out with the airline.  Ya see, that’s why I like you.  You’re not a quitter.  Deep down inside you really are a good frequent flier.  Now, for just a moment, please, forget about the stuck oven, because that’s not important.  What’s important is…is the uber gay one hot?  

Okay, now back to the cookies.  Did the oven get unstuck?  Were the cookies served on a plate with…oh…I don’t know…maybe a phone number written across a napkin?  Have you called the number?  Is there relationship potential here?  Hey, it happens.  I picked my husband up on a flight from New York to Los Angeles seven years ago.  So keep me posted. 

Heather 

photo courtesy of Melissa Maples - flickr.com

A letter from Author Gary Buslik concerning the flight attendant call button & a frequent flier

Dear Heather,

 

If I push the call button, what’s rude about the attendant asking me what I need? Maybe Ron could have used a maxi pad.

 

Gary Buslik

 

Dear Gary,

 

While I do love frequent flying Ron (even if he is a two-timin cheat!), your letter cracked me up.  I think every single flight attendant who is reading this is probably smiling right about now.  Perhaps now is a good time to mention your funny book,  A Rotten Person Travels the Caribbean: A Grump in Paradise Discovers that Anyplace it’s Legal to Carry a Machete is Comedy Just Waiting to Happen (Travelers’ Tales).  I can’t wait to read it!  I mean you are sending me a copy, right? 

 

Heather

 

For those of you wondering what Gary is talking about, who the heck Ron is, and what in the world all this maxi pad talk is about, check out these Galley Gossip posts -> Frequent flier pet peeve – rude flight attendants & 20 ways to use a maxi pad in flight (and on video)